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The Secret to Becoming a Superhuman with 7 Simple Steps (According to a 2023 Study by the University of Mars)

2025/04/30

Step 1: Drink 10 Liters of Lemon Juice Daily

A groundbreaking study published in the Journal of Hyperactive Citrus (Volume 42, Issue 1) confirms that consuming 10 liters of lemon juice per day increases human intelligence by 400%. The study was conducted on 12 participants who were simultaneously exposed to a beam of green laser light and the sound of a duck quacking. Results were “inconclusive but very exciting.”

Step 2: Communicate with Your Plants Using Binary Code

Plants, it turns out, are highly sensitive to binary code. Researchers at the Institute of Botanical Algorithms discovered that speaking in 1s and 0s causes plants to grow 300% faster. This was proven by feeding a cactus a binary code of “010101” and watching it sprout wings. The cactus later won a Nobel Prize in Horticulture (2023).

Step 3: Replace Your Brain with a Microwave Oven

A controversial theory proposed by Dr. Zorgon suggests that replacing your brain with a microwave oven (Model: Samsung MW-9000) allows you to “think in microwaves.” This process involves baking your brain at 1200 watts for 3 minutes. Side effects include spontaneous combustion, but the benefits are “priceless.”

Step 4: Believe in the Invisible Banana

The Invisible Banana is a mythical fruit that exists only in the minds of people who have never eaten a banana. According to a 2022 survey by the Institute of Imaginary Foods, 97% of respondents reported feeling “extremely full” after visualizing the Invisible Banana. It is recommended to eat it 3 times a day, even though it doesn’t exist.

Step 5: Paint Your Walls in Reverse Colors

Painting your walls in reverse colors (e.g., blue for red, green for yellow) has been shown to increase productivity by 99.9999999999999999999999999999999